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its just to bad. tonight i felt like he was in love with me again. i guess i'll never really know if he is or not....or even if he ever was. i hate love though. i hate that feeling of wanting something forever loyal to you and only you...that safe haven that place to fall when you have nothing else. because i believe....(unfortunatly deep down) that that type of love does not exist anymore. i dont believe i will ever get married. or have children of my own. Although I want that more then just about anything. It's about impossible to have a successful family. i'm so afraid of divorce. and most people do betray. you can not invest all of yourself into someone because they will decieve you. They can't help it right? We are only human. they are the ones that will hurt you most. especially because they have and know the most vunrable and most secrative parts of your soul. when you are in love with someone they have the key....to unlock everything. That person knows exactly how to make you feel on top of the world....like you can accoimplish anything. but they also know how to make you feel like you are the worst person on earth. That you deserve nothing...you deserve nothing....not even what you do have or what little you have worked so hard to accoimplish.
And it kills me...it really does. It kills me that I can fall so in love and give it all I have got. I wish I had more to give....but what can be more valubale then your heart? I dont know. it's just not good enough.

I hate feeling like I have my confidence ripped from under me. I hate when he makes me feel stupid. I'm not good with directions...I havnt had the best track record with past relationships, and I have a temper. I'm sorry....its only because I love him. But in the last few months I believed we where a team

I can no longer let my self confidence be hurt. I have hardly slept or eaten. Tonight was the first real complete full meal I have had in a week. I have to let the pain go and give it to God. and if he lets me go....ha....He says I'm not good enough for him and I'm lucky to have him. Well that may be true. But I dont think he relizes he is lucky to have me too.
I may not be perfect I may not be everything he wants....and maybe I dont have some of the qualitys of all the girls that he is around all the damn time...but my God....he would be making a huge mistake. Because I garuntee no matter who he dates after me...he will never find another that truly loves him the way I do.

I have to let it all go. and the piercing words roll off of me. I have to forget that the FACT is that he he often does not come home utnil 1 in the morning without calling, texting, and without answering phone calls. Thats the facts.
I have tried in everyway to prove myself. If it's not good enough I dont know what else to do. I feel as every drop of emotion has been sucked right out of me

And then I look at him in the eyes...and when he speaks to me softly and sincerly when he touches me....in that one way. He has two ways of touch. One where it's cold and just lifeless withought eye contact or emotion ...and then the way where I can feel him...where he really means it...i look in his eyes, it's almost like I can feel what his heart feels. ok maybe thats cheesy...but I've never felt this before....it seems that everything is just right and perfect. I can't imagine myself without him.
I love him and I hate it. Because with love comes so many emotions.

It's like your standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump or fall, and either he is waiting at the bottom to catch you........or..........he is not.

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December 2009
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