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December 12th, 2009

i seriously need to do this more often. there are so many things i have missed since the last time that i have journaled. so many tears so many laughs, so many things that i have grown from and matured into the person that i am at this moment. i hope that someday, ( and i know and realize that i am always making lists and writing what my goals are but.....) i think the biggest and most important is looking back. i will be honost i have been to this page before several times and read and looked back on my old journal entries. many have brought me to tears. i have all the way back to 2003. and i have reflected and asked myself what have i learned. that is the biggest blessing of journaling.. is looking back and reflecting on what i have learned.

i have experienced the highs and lowes since my last entry. unfortunitly the last few times i wrote i was at a very low low in my life. there is much to say about that period of my life. but i will leave that for the private section in my journal. and maybe someday if i ever write an autobio i will share. and until then i will only leave with a handful of people.

what is this life really? you know the last time i truly dedicated myself to a journal...to this journal was more then 3 years ago. THATS SO SCARY!>>!>! that that much time can go by literally through a blink of an eye. and i obviously am way late on what my goals where for my life...i am not living my full potential and while, someday i may live my life to my full potential....i have unfortunatly missed several years of talent and growth that would have been lucrative to an agency HAD THEY SIGNED ME...you dumbasses.

i'm scared of many things. and i know in my focus board i recently wrote that i will be FEARLESS!!!!!

i dont care about money i dont care about fame.. i want to always make an honorable decision ...and be remembered for that...the reason i want to be in the public eye is because i want people to remember me as a positive influence. i want to affect many people. ok....im done writing that...either i will or i wont. people will either love me or hate me for what i write
this life is but a blur....but a moment in time...it truly is. look how fast a week, a month, even a year goes by. and the older you get the faster they go. i have been struggling with a lot of personal temptations latley. i could have a lot of what i want....should i say yes...or should i say no? life is fragile. and i know to familiar wha those moments feel like when you want to give up. but why are we here? i have so many questions. if i say yes...what truly is the harm, i get what i want...but then i become like every other person in this world. and if life is reaaaaallly that materialistic??i HATE absolutly HATE how superfical this world has become. fuck that. be real. anyone can have their 15 min. of fame. but to affect someone...personaly...(WITHOUT REGCONITION) is huge. to help someone...i want to have the ability to give and give and give and still feel like i have to much of my own to get rid off. i love having nice things...but seeing the thigs i have, makes me realize how blessed i am to have all i do....what are we goine to do when that cardigain goes out of style in 4 months? still wear it??? until i save for a new one>? life is not about keeping up with the jones. i value who you are. care about that. sometimes the person with the most wisdom is the one with no shoes on his feet.

ok, going to bed. i will do my best to read and write an entry every every time i can. gooodnight.


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