Log in

No account? Create an account
i seriously need to do this more often. there are so many things i have missed since the last time that i have journaled. so many tears so many laughs, so many things that i have grown from and matured into the person that i am at this moment. i hope that someday, ( and i know and realize that i am always making lists and writing what my goals are but.....) i think the biggest and most important is looking back. i will be honost i have been to this page before several times and read and looked back on my old journal entries. many have brought me to tears. i have all the way back to 2003. and i have reflected and asked myself what have i learned. that is the biggest blessing of journaling.. is looking back and reflecting on what i have learned.

i have experienced the highs and lowes since my last entry. unfortunitly the last few times i wrote i was at a very low low in my life. there is much to say about that period of my life. but i will leave that for the private section in my journal. and maybe someday if i ever write an autobio i will share. and until then i will only leave with a handful of people.

what is this life really? you know the last time i truly dedicated myself to a journal...to this journal was more then 3 years ago. THATS SO SCARY!>>!>! that that much time can go by literally through a blink of an eye. and i obviously am way late on what my goals where for my life...i am not living my full potential and while, someday i may live my life to my full potential....i have unfortunatly missed several years of talent and growth that would have been lucrative to an agency HAD THEY SIGNED ME...you dumbasses.

i'm scared of many things. and i know in my focus board i recently wrote that i will be FEARLESS!!!!!

i dont care about money i dont care about fame.. i want to always make an honorable decision ...and be remembered for that...the reason i want to be in the public eye is because i want people to remember me as a positive influence. i want to affect many people. ok....im done writing that...either i will or i wont. people will either love me or hate me for what i write
this life is but a blur....but a moment in time...it truly is. look how fast a week, a month, even a year goes by. and the older you get the faster they go. i have been struggling with a lot of personal temptations latley. i could have a lot of what i want....should i say yes...or should i say no? life is fragile. and i know to familiar wha those moments feel like when you want to give up. but why are we here? i have so many questions. if i say yes...what truly is the harm, i get what i want...but then i become like every other person in this world. and if life is reaaaaallly that materialistic??i HATE absolutly HATE how superfical this world has become. fuck that. be real. anyone can have their 15 min. of fame. but to affect someone...personaly...(WITHOUT REGCONITION) is huge. to help someone...i want to have the ability to give and give and give and still feel like i have to much of my own to get rid off. i love having nice things...but seeing the thigs i have, makes me realize how blessed i am to have all i do....what are we goine to do when that cardigain goes out of style in 4 months? still wear it??? until i save for a new one>? life is not about keeping up with the jones. i value who you are. care about that. sometimes the person with the most wisdom is the one with no shoes on his feet.

ok, going to bed. i will do my best to read and write an entry every every time i can. gooodnight.

why can we not take the lesson...without the experience? why is it we always justify life as to..."everything happens for a reason...and it's just another lesson learned....well it's good life experience..."
I'm not saying I disagree........I do believe this however I am asking...why?
I guess it is said to be true...our puny minds could not possibly understand what the universe is capable of. we only use 10% of the human mind...however...statisticly is this 10% at a time...or 10% as awhole? .....hmmmm........

is life about understanding? because we will never understand life.

Thank you

lord jesus you are AMAZING!

I just have no words to describe. Lord I praise you and I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING you have given me. I want to weep because I feel so blessed lord. Thank you for every opportunity you have given me, thank you for the strength and the peace you have given, and thank you for guiding me and never leaving my side ....even when I thought you where not there.

YOU LORD are my everything. I praise you....and I give my life to you 100%

guide my way, guide my footsteps, and lay down the road ...with the strong foundation and golden bricks you want me to walk upon.

every person I come in contact with this year...please let me leave some sort of impression on them....a smile, an uplifted spirit, let me ease their heart and use me to show the light of you through me.

I pray for my family, they love me unconditionaly and have supported me more then what i ever had imagined. i would be nothing without them. lord i ask you to bless them and enrich their lives completly.

lord show me the way to use this title. i will not let you down. i want to do good and live every day of my life with purpose.

show me the way.

please remember brittany

please brittany remember. you are someone. you may not feel it now. you need to hear this right now more then ever. you are something special and you can share things and give to the world. your ability to influence others is greater then you know. God I was brought here for a reason. and although i have been searching for twenty one years for that purpose, i have not quite found it yet.
lord i pray to make a difference in every persons life that i touch, and come in contact with. when they look into my eyes, let them see someone real, someone pure, someone with a heart of gold and only the intentions to do good. because that is who i am.... although i have made the epitome of mistakes.
give me the strength to see through lies, speak when I must and hold my tongue when I must. please grant me the strength to not go crazy through these rocky roads that are filled with questions.

you have a good heart. and although i may not make the best decisions my intentions are are always good and pure.
lord i pray for a sheild of protection. please give me strength god. i'm sorry for praying to you only when i need you. i'm so sorry please forgive me. i'm on my knees. give me a sign....something i cannot turn from.
it takes moments like this to remember that you are there for me. even when you are the only one.

the only one. i trust no one and i never really have. i'm scarred to death. im living in fear. lord, i dont even know what to say. i feel like i have experienced everything there is to feel. but then i feel this low. i have prayed for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet, be true, loving, and completly ginuene.
lord grant me the eyes to see through fruitless words, to see through lies and people who truspass against me. i forgive them. but they kill me. they kill my soul. please open my eyes to see the difference and the strength to let them make their foolish mistakes, for they must learn on their own. through their own obstacles and their own mistakes. but i believe in the end they will turn back and see, and see all i have given and what could have been.

please let me speak when i need to. grant me the right words to speak and the right moments to touch someones heart. open my eyes to see the opportunitys left in front of me.

i have worked my entire life as long as i can remember to make it big as a model/ actress/ miss usa and blah blah. i guess i felt i had to please those around me...and prove to them...so i could intern prove to myself that i matterd. i'm tired of giving everything just to prove something that already.....is. I have so much potential and the world is in front of me....it doesnt matter if I win a pageant...it doesnt matter if I model for Versace in the Spring for the latest trends.....who are those people to judge me...and why does their opinion of WHO I AM matter? I do not have to prove anything to anyone. If they cannot see it...it is their lose. I dont care if i ever make it anymore. god i know you have given me the heart to do greater things then to be on the cover of a magazine. its just hard for me to remember that right now.

wow. i cannot believe all i have learned in just a few months short of a year. i'm a different person. i think i know what i must do, but please guide my footsteps and my decisions.

that used to be all that matterd to me. but not anymore. God your will is all that matters. Take the bad out of my life and fill me with only things that are holy and pure. I give it all to you. Everything.
I give you everything.
its just to bad. tonight i felt like he was in love with me again. i guess i'll never really know if he is or not....or even if he ever was. i hate love though. i hate that feeling of wanting something forever loyal to you and only you...that safe haven that place to fall when you have nothing else. because i believe....(unfortunatly deep down) that that type of love does not exist anymore. i dont believe i will ever get married. or have children of my own. Although I want that more then just about anything. It's about impossible to have a successful family. i'm so afraid of divorce. and most people do betray. you can not invest all of yourself into someone because they will decieve you. They can't help it right? We are only human. they are the ones that will hurt you most. especially because they have and know the most vunrable and most secrative parts of your soul. when you are in love with someone they have the key....to unlock everything. That person knows exactly how to make you feel on top of the world....like you can accoimplish anything. but they also know how to make you feel like you are the worst person on earth. That you deserve nothing...you deserve nothing....not even what you do have or what little you have worked so hard to accoimplish.
And it kills me...it really does. It kills me that I can fall so in love and give it all I have got. I wish I had more to give....but what can be more valubale then your heart? I dont know. it's just not good enough.

I hate feeling like I have my confidence ripped from under me. I hate when he makes me feel stupid. I'm not good with directions...I havnt had the best track record with past relationships, and I have a temper. I'm sorry....its only because I love him. But in the last few months I believed we where a team

I can no longer let my self confidence be hurt. I have hardly slept or eaten. Tonight was the first real complete full meal I have had in a week. I have to let the pain go and give it to God. and if he lets me go....ha....He says I'm not good enough for him and I'm lucky to have him. Well that may be true. But I dont think he relizes he is lucky to have me too.
I may not be perfect I may not be everything he wants....and maybe I dont have some of the qualitys of all the girls that he is around all the damn time...but my God....he would be making a huge mistake. Because I garuntee no matter who he dates after me...he will never find another that truly loves him the way I do.

I have to let it all go. and the piercing words roll off of me. I have to forget that the FACT is that he he often does not come home utnil 1 in the morning without calling, texting, and without answering phone calls. Thats the facts.
I have tried in everyway to prove myself. If it's not good enough I dont know what else to do. I feel as every drop of emotion has been sucked right out of me

And then I look at him in the eyes...and when he speaks to me softly and sincerly when he touches me....in that one way. He has two ways of touch. One where it's cold and just lifeless withought eye contact or emotion ...and then the way where I can feel him...where he really means it...i look in his eyes, it's almost like I can feel what his heart feels. ok maybe thats cheesy...but I've never felt this before....it seems that everything is just right and perfect. I can't imagine myself without him.
I love him and I hate it. Because with love comes so many emotions.

It's like your standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump or fall, and either he is waiting at the bottom to catch you........or..........he is not.
i want my life back.

i hate to say it

I never thought I would say this but....I think God has forgotten me.

im movin on

sometimes you have to make yourself distcontent from the world.

maybe a little numb....to move on.

hurting heart, my career, and focusing

why does my heart hurt? i dont understand. where is this really coming from?
it has to be deep rooted because it doesnt go away. i forget for a little while.....but...........times like these the feeling always remains the same. and what is it really that i'm feeling?

lonliness? betrayal? foolishness?
i don't want to wander aimlessly.
i do not feel i'm living the life i was born to live.
i guess sometimes an awakening must happen.
to refocus. i need to stay focused. on what really counts.

i know i'm only 20. but i feel so afraid that i will die alone. and i am not talking about a relaitonship since...i mean with friends as well. i keep everyone at a distance...even my family whom i love with all my heart.
why do i want love so badly? why do i want to feel it? was it because i felt deprived of it when i was a child? its like we are all searching to feel and recieve and give love...to other people.... sometimes we over look those who are really by our side.

this business is so crazy. geez...modeling and acting. i have a passion for it. but i'm over the bullshit. i just want to work. i question my purpose because of it at times, but i know deep down my purpose serves in that world...it is my calling i cannot deny. i must stay focused. to survive in it is another story. its brutel. the only poeple i need and want are those who are true. my family...and a very small and close circle of friends. thats all i need...and thats all i want.

i guess everything else i should think of as networking...and work. when i used to look at it in that sense it seems i was so much more focused and on the right path. i havnt felt like i'm headed in the right direction for a long time. definatly over a year now.

when i had what i felt was my peak time of success ...i finally felt for the first itme in my life that i was right where i should be. i felt i was living the life i was born to live kinda weird and crazy but almost as every piece of the puzzle was in place.... and hten suddenly it all transitioned and was quickly over. it threw me through a whirlwind and opended my eyes and gave me hope. but soon that support system quickly ended. and now what am i left with really?
the knowledge and experience....that is all priceless yes....but my direction is lacking.

i guess i am only writing the same way as i always do in this journal. a way to vent, refind my focus, and also a prayer.

lord i havnt forgotten you...even though i have been distracted.
so please do not forget me.

so i wonder who i'll meet two weeks from now.