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hurting heart, my career, and focusing

why does my heart hurt? i dont understand. where is this really coming from?
it has to be deep rooted because it doesnt go away. i forget for a little while.....but...........times like these the feeling always remains the same. and what is it really that i'm feeling?

lonliness? betrayal? foolishness?
i don't want to wander aimlessly.
i do not feel i'm living the life i was born to live.
i guess sometimes an awakening must happen.
to refocus. i need to stay focused. on what really counts.

i know i'm only 20. but i feel so afraid that i will die alone. and i am not talking about a relaitonship since...i mean with friends as well. i keep everyone at a distance...even my family whom i love with all my heart.
why do i want love so badly? why do i want to feel it? was it because i felt deprived of it when i was a child? its like we are all searching to feel and recieve and give love...to other people.... sometimes we over look those who are really by our side.

this business is so crazy. geez...modeling and acting. i have a passion for it. but i'm over the bullshit. i just want to work. i question my purpose because of it at times, but i know deep down my purpose serves in that world...it is my calling i cannot deny. i must stay focused. to survive in it is another story. its brutel. the only poeple i need and want are those who are true. my family...and a very small and close circle of friends. thats all i need...and thats all i want.

i guess everything else i should think of as networking...and work. when i used to look at it in that sense it seems i was so much more focused and on the right path. i havnt felt like i'm headed in the right direction for a long time. definatly over a year now.

when i had what i felt was my peak time of success ...i finally felt for the first itme in my life that i was right where i should be. i felt i was living the life i was born to live kinda weird and crazy but almost as every piece of the puzzle was in place.... and hten suddenly it all transitioned and was quickly over. it threw me through a whirlwind and opended my eyes and gave me hope. but soon that support system quickly ended. and now what am i left with really?
the knowledge and experience....that is all priceless yes....but my direction is lacking.

i guess i am only writing the same way as i always do in this journal. a way to vent, refind my focus, and also a prayer.

lord i havnt forgotten you...even though i have been distracted.
so please do not forget me.



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